Monday, July 18, 2016

Checking Myself

Due to the side effects of my anxiety medication I found myself getting more anxious. I started to become more withdrawn. I was still able to do normal day to day stuff like going to work and coaching kids sports but I was not able to enjoy anything. I was always looking forward to getting home so I could be away from the possibility of embarrassing myself.

 My bed became my favorite spot. I was becoming depressed. I was not sad. I was not down. I was suffering medical depression. Actually I was diagnosed with Dysthymia or PPD.

I used to be one of those people that when someone said they were depressed I would say "Suck it up." Or "Oh come one, you have so many reasons to be happy. You are just having a bad day."

I hate those people.

 I know they mean well. I used to mean well. But now that I understand the thick dull cloudy murkiness of a depressed mind.  I know that the person experiencing the depression cannot really out-think the situation. It is like asking someone with Hypertension to "just relax".

Most people do not want to talk about mental issues. It is too judgey. I do not mean that people without the mental sickness are judging those with it. It is actually the other way around. People that have mental illness judge other people as "They won't get it. They won't understand."

Every person experiences anxiety and depression in different ways. A lot of people say they "suffer" from anxiety/depression. I never really felt the suffering. I felt the lack of suffering. I felt the lack of almost all emotion except worry. Worry was always there.

I started keeping a journal during these early stages of diagnosis. Journal is just a masculine way of saying diary. I would also keep emails and read them the next day and the next day after just to make sure I was not missing anything or making anything up. Text messages became my main way of communication. I could always read the previous text thread and remember what was said to certain individuals. I kept checking myself because I started feeling like I did not know who I was.

I only knew WHAT I wasn't.

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